I'm Not Sure
I woke up this morning and realized that aside from God...I am alone...I stand alone. And that hurts at times....to feel by yourself...unvested. The people you once knew are now no more...and those you once cherished are now amongst the winds. I know as we go through life we shed people like we shed skin...and that's ok because I know we sometimes outgrow one another like we outgrow clothes....but Lord it hurts...it hurts to feel alone. I pray every night for things to make sense to me again....for everything to come together
For some reason God has made me this emotional being....I am not sure why but my skin can be extremely thin at moments...which I can't understand why. I'm sure he has made me compassionate for a reason but I can't seem to find that reason...and so it hurts....its like walking alone in a park...or standing alone fighting for a cause. I exist but do I really exist? Am I there? It's like watching a movie happen right before your eyes....and you know what, you are the movie....but you are just freestyling one scene at a time.
The people around me seem to be moving...animated within their own realms...and I watch them...wondering...do they know....what is their purpose...do they have a purpose. They all look so happy...they have it all together. And believe me I know to never want to walk in another mans shoes because you never know where his shoes have been....but man their rainbows look so nice....so peaceful so...so loving....but geez....I'm not sure??
I pray every day that God gives the strength to sustain myself through these trials. I use to be so angry with God for allowing me to hurt the way I hurt....go through the situations I went through...pain the way I pained...I couldn't understand it....I had done everything right for so long.....until I realized all my struggles...all the things I had or didn't have in my life were a preparation for the next level. Now I don't know what that level is, when it will come or what it will entail....but I know I cannot run. I can not hide from the world like I am under a rock...I have to face things..be more accountable for how I live and the decisions I make. I can't let the judging eyes of those around me dictate how I feel and what I believe. I have been abandoned by many people in my life...some of whom I should have NEVER been abandoned by...but God...god .. O glorious God..God...my mighty god.....he is ALWAYS on time.....Forever ON TIME!! I swear when I look back at my life....I think man...he HAS to exist because I should not even be alive right now. I lost count of how many times I should have died or been handicapped or plagued by some deadly disease.....but every time...he has sheltered me....cloaked me. Now there have been times where I just plain pushed my luck and he gives me warnings...constant reminders but LORD...over all you have been GOOD to me.
I am learning to just appreciate living...and to stop focusing on what happened...what could happen or what will happen. See he already knows all that stuff...and if I just believe and just be a faithful servant...he will show up and lead me. I am focusing on the moment...the things I do have that he has provided for me. I am letting go of the stresses....I am setting myself free right at this moment. I know now that the devil has not been my road block....i have been my own road block....but I have a jack hammer and his name is GOD and together we are here to break that block DOWN!! In Jesus Name
AMEN!!
For some reason God has made me this emotional being....I am not sure why but my skin can be extremely thin at moments...which I can't understand why. I'm sure he has made me compassionate for a reason but I can't seem to find that reason...and so it hurts....its like walking alone in a park...or standing alone fighting for a cause. I exist but do I really exist? Am I there? It's like watching a movie happen right before your eyes....and you know what, you are the movie....but you are just freestyling one scene at a time.
The people around me seem to be moving...animated within their own realms...and I watch them...wondering...do they know....what is their purpose...do they have a purpose. They all look so happy...they have it all together. And believe me I know to never want to walk in another mans shoes because you never know where his shoes have been....but man their rainbows look so nice....so peaceful so...so loving....but geez....I'm not sure??
I pray every day that God gives the strength to sustain myself through these trials. I use to be so angry with God for allowing me to hurt the way I hurt....go through the situations I went through...pain the way I pained...I couldn't understand it....I had done everything right for so long.....until I realized all my struggles...all the things I had or didn't have in my life were a preparation for the next level. Now I don't know what that level is, when it will come or what it will entail....but I know I cannot run. I can not hide from the world like I am under a rock...I have to face things..be more accountable for how I live and the decisions I make. I can't let the judging eyes of those around me dictate how I feel and what I believe. I have been abandoned by many people in my life...some of whom I should have NEVER been abandoned by...but God...god .. O glorious God..God...my mighty god.....he is ALWAYS on time.....Forever ON TIME!! I swear when I look back at my life....I think man...he HAS to exist because I should not even be alive right now. I lost count of how many times I should have died or been handicapped or plagued by some deadly disease.....but every time...he has sheltered me....cloaked me. Now there have been times where I just plain pushed my luck and he gives me warnings...constant reminders but LORD...over all you have been GOOD to me.
I am learning to just appreciate living...and to stop focusing on what happened...what could happen or what will happen. See he already knows all that stuff...and if I just believe and just be a faithful servant...he will show up and lead me. I am focusing on the moment...the things I do have that he has provided for me. I am letting go of the stresses....I am setting myself free right at this moment. I know now that the devil has not been my road block....i have been my own road block....but I have a jack hammer and his name is GOD and together we are here to break that block DOWN!! In Jesus Name
AMEN!!
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