Cognitive Dissonance
I don't know why
Why tears stream like the blood running through my veins
But that's what they all do...run...leave....walk away
Back sides or b...u know
Nah...this poem is not right....
Its not meant to exist in my thoughts....It..it feel wrong...unnatural...so I will not commence...INSTEAD
I will talk about life....a piece of my life...
I have come to realize that I am my BIGGEST road block....not the "Man", not broken relationships, heck Not even SATAN....BUT little ol ME!!!
As a child...I was always outgoing...In everything
Cheerleading, track, ballet, basketball, band...u name it....I always got straight "A's" in school which earned me a full ride for College. In fact I was in the honors program for the first 2 years of college.
But suddenly, a part of me died....I'm not sure when...or why but it just happened. And I kept silent about this death for years...isolated...I grew to love my own isolation.....but sharing this to some degree delivers a piece of my spirit back to me.
When that part of me died, I just became unhappy....never satisfied...never content..just emotional....angry....but I never once prayed....at least not for a rebirth..merely for a continuance.
As time went by, my mask became a part of who I was....I departed from my academic scholarship to pursue a bigger goal of partying and doing absolutely NOTHING. I mean I enrolled in school..but half of the time I didn't show up or I didn't do any of my work....and I followed that pattern....up until now..this moment....a piece of me died....it died the moment I left my scholarship....the moment I allowed the evil spirits of others to consume my being....the moment where I let love or the unloved take my pride.....it left the moment I heard my friend was no more....it departed the moment I saw her lifeless body in her casket...it departed the moment I continued to blame myself for her loss of mind......it departed in her last moments as she took her life...it left the moment I departed the unknown...it departed the moment I left lovers....it departed the moment I left friends.....it departed every time guilt had my lips crystallized around the hennessy....the cognac....ahhhh...the smoothness of tequila....none.... none..not one brought back a part of me....until now
See I found out my friend had departed on October 2nd, 2003
This time of the year is hard for me....real hard....and as time rolled.....I never rolled....I focused on all my failures...all my "departures" and all things which had departed. I spent so much time just being sad...and I don't mean sad in the melodic sense but SAD...in like miserable....undeniably stupid....I am extremely able....I mean all my life people have been telling me oh you are so smart..smart ..smart smart....ok...well fine...I can sit in front of anything and probably master it...that's just how my mind works...but as I discover that even my MIND is departing me....until now...I realize..someone so smart can be so stupid.....
Able
Walking
Speech
Healthy
Intelligent
Caring
Giving
Both Hands
Both Feet
No Injuries....
Friends and Family who love me
A God who forgives and restores.....
...All these things at my dispense....yet I'm still complaining....times ticking....going...and still I stand still....alone....
...So whats my excuse....I have none...other than I need to be thankful for what is instead of whats not....I quote all these nice phrases and everything for other people but never quote any for myself.....so here is my favorite quote for myself.....besides "God is Love"
"Our dreams never die...our motivation merely does"
P.S. We CAN be our own road block from our own successes
Learn to let go and guess what...no dead weight allows u to soar....sky is the limit :)
-Be Blessed
Why tears stream like the blood running through my veins
But that's what they all do...run...leave....walk away
Back sides or b...u know
Nah...this poem is not right....
Its not meant to exist in my thoughts....It..it feel wrong...unnatural...so I will not commence...INSTEAD
I will talk about life....a piece of my life...
I have come to realize that I am my BIGGEST road block....not the "Man", not broken relationships, heck Not even SATAN....BUT little ol ME!!!
As a child...I was always outgoing...In everything
Cheerleading, track, ballet, basketball, band...u name it....I always got straight "A's" in school which earned me a full ride for College. In fact I was in the honors program for the first 2 years of college.
But suddenly, a part of me died....I'm not sure when...or why but it just happened. And I kept silent about this death for years...isolated...I grew to love my own isolation.....but sharing this to some degree delivers a piece of my spirit back to me.
When that part of me died, I just became unhappy....never satisfied...never content..just emotional....angry....but I never once prayed....at least not for a rebirth..merely for a continuance.
As time went by, my mask became a part of who I was....I departed from my academic scholarship to pursue a bigger goal of partying and doing absolutely NOTHING. I mean I enrolled in school..but half of the time I didn't show up or I didn't do any of my work....and I followed that pattern....up until now..this moment....a piece of me died....it died the moment I left my scholarship....the moment I allowed the evil spirits of others to consume my being....the moment where I let love or the unloved take my pride.....it left the moment I heard my friend was no more....it departed the moment I saw her lifeless body in her casket...it departed the moment I continued to blame myself for her loss of mind......it departed in her last moments as she took her life...it left the moment I departed the unknown...it departed the moment I left lovers....it departed the moment I left friends.....it departed every time guilt had my lips crystallized around the hennessy....the cognac....ahhhh...the smoothness of tequila....none.... none..not one brought back a part of me....until now
See I found out my friend had departed on October 2nd, 2003
This time of the year is hard for me....real hard....and as time rolled.....I never rolled....I focused on all my failures...all my "departures" and all things which had departed. I spent so much time just being sad...and I don't mean sad in the melodic sense but SAD...in like miserable....undeniably stupid....I am extremely able....I mean all my life people have been telling me oh you are so smart..smart ..smart smart....ok...well fine...I can sit in front of anything and probably master it...that's just how my mind works...but as I discover that even my MIND is departing me....until now...I realize..someone so smart can be so stupid.....
Able
Walking
Speech
Healthy
Intelligent
Caring
Giving
Both Hands
Both Feet
No Injuries....
Friends and Family who love me
A God who forgives and restores.....
...All these things at my dispense....yet I'm still complaining....times ticking....going...and still I stand still....alone....
...So whats my excuse....I have none...other than I need to be thankful for what is instead of whats not....I quote all these nice phrases and everything for other people but never quote any for myself.....so here is my favorite quote for myself.....besides "God is Love"
"Our dreams never die...our motivation merely does"
P.S. We CAN be our own road block from our own successes
Learn to let go and guess what...no dead weight allows u to soar....sky is the limit :)
-Be Blessed
Labels: Cognitive Dissonance, Emotions, Feelings, God, Life, Motivation
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So now, knowing this.... what are you gonna do?
I'm praying for your strength :-D
~Charmin Lover
Posted by
Brother Jay |
9:43 AM
I'm gonna do what I do best....RUN LIKE HELL!! J/K..all I caa do is push myself everyday...I can't expect anyone else to want for my future more than moi....so...with that said...I look to the man above for that daily boost to which my survival relies on. Thanx for keeping me in your prayers :)
Posted by
Butterfly Epiphany |
7:13 PM